Johnny Rapid, the cute as pie Men.comexclusive who looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth (because it’s too busy lubing up his ass), has been quietly but diligently punishing his hole for some undisclosed crime for the last 2 years, appearing in over 60 ass-stretching scenes that have seen him fucked by sailors, mechanics, footballers, professors… I could go on but I’m afraid of wearing out my keyboard.
As impressive as that list is, it naturally got me wondering- where will it end? Johnny keeps outdoing himself, upping the ante and impressing the hell out of me- I’m seriously jealous of his dick-taking capabilities, and the resultant power-bottom envy has inspired me to put together a quick list of what his next few years might entail, if he followed the career path that my internet magic 8 ballpredicted…
Been there, done that, got the perforations. Johnny got fucked hard and fast with a guards nightstick in a prison shower, and somehow made getting fucked with a long wooden rod look easy (and hot). Is his colon carved from marble? Is he as hollow as a Russian doll? How on earth does he take that unyielding thing with such ease? Trust me, if I knew, I’d be performing on the New York subway and using that to pay my way through med school, rather than being an art model.
This lollypop I found on the sidewalk
As the tired joke goes, Johnny’s ass is so talented he could sit on a lollypop and guess its flavour. What most people don’t realise is that he can also tell you it’s brand, sodium content and sell by date.
Everyone’s favourite porn gossip blogthat we love to hate to love, really does deserve to get some actual physical love from the guy-wonders fart-box. Johnny may choose to insert an Ipad to feel the Swordsscathing paragraphs warmly buzzing against his passage or, and this would be my personal choice, he could print out a page and eat it, to feel its journalistic probings on his prostate in about 12-14 hours. This way it also comes out as the same thing it went in as.
The Freedom tower
What better way to proclaim his love of the free world, where you can get gang-banged by a bunch of cowboysand still have the moral high-ground over a serving president, than to envelop the Freedom tower in his entirely-opposite-of-Disney-esque tunnel of love? It will be a challenge, but I guess if his sponsors Spunk Lubeand TLAcan each throw in enough product he could eventually work every one of those 21299.2 ‘ridged-for-his-pleasure’ inches in.