For the first in my (possible) series of how not to pick up a gay man in a variety of locations, I thought I’d start with the most plainly obvious, yet often scene of the screwed-up pick-up, place- the gay bar. Now I’ve been in my fair share (or a thousand) gay bars, and know from first-hand experience that it can be a nerve-racking place; when you spot that guy over there, hopefully holding a G&T and not a soda water (sober gay men are just another breed altogether and deserve their own post), leaning against the bar and looking devilishly handsome. You know the look- the only thing that looks missing from his life is your penis.
But this isn’t a dating guide- this is my manifesto of how NOT to approach someone at a bar. And the best bit is they’re all true stories, so you can revel in the awfulness that has been my bar-crawl of a life.
Yes, once I was standing in a club, happily watching guys dancing awkwardly on a half-full dance-floor, sipping on a vodka soda when, all of a sudden, I felt a gruff hand shoved down the back of my underwear and a thick finger probing my hole. Before I could react (or lean back into it) the guy behind me put his mouth to my ear and breathed “I bet that hasn’t been used in a while”.Wrong. Wrong because, yes it had thank you, and wrong because that is not how you get on a strangers good side, by introducing yourself to their most private of places… barring the total sluts out there. Sadly for this dude I wasn’t feeling like one that night, and I politely disengaged his digit and walked off. But beware on using this tactic outside of Turkish oil wrestling– most other guys would have punched him on the nose. Luckily for him I’m so polite I always open doors for people, pick up litter and swallow. Even when it tastes funny.
Don’t insult their heritage
So once in LA I was ordering a drink at Fu bar(a great place where I once won first place at its contest ‘Big Fat Dick’ where, yes, you had to get your dick out and people voted on its… personality?) when a guy starts a conversation with me. He wasn’t my type but I responded to his friendliness, and before long he noticed that I had an accent.”Where you from,” he asks with the hint of a slur marring his American drawl.
“London” I reply, sucking on my straw and wide-eyed with my well-honed ‘I’ve just stepped t of a Dickson novel’, “You?”
“New York.” He responds with a sure smile, “Which is MUCH better than London.”, and with that he leaned back, obviously expecting me to be impressed by his ballsy charm.
Cue the end of that conversation. Hey, it’s OK to not like somewhere, fine with me, and it’s even fine to let people know, but to instantly insult someone’s home-town? That’s just crass. The first few minutes of a bar introduction are crucial; don’t try to be too biting or clever, or it’ll probably just end up biting you on the ass.
Don’t grab onto his arm as he’s passing and refuse to let go
Yes, it’s disconcerting to be grabbed and held by a stranger who thinks that crooning compliments in your face while reflecting your terrified reflection in their glassy eyes is going to get them some dick-docking that night. When someone tries to remove their arm from your grip they’re not being playful- they’re trying to get far away from you. Don’t do it. Or preferably- simply stay home and do it to your own penis.
Don’t offer someone a drink you just found on a shelf and pretend you bought it for them
Christ, if you can’t stump up the cash to buy your hypothetical fuck-hole a drink, how did you even get in? Did you sneak past the doorman too? Sad man, just sad.
Don’t stare. And stare. AND STARRREEEE…
Yes, he knows you’re looking at him and yes, he’s pretending he doesn’t. It’s not hard to get your head around the concept- we all know instinctively when we’re having a hole bored through us. If the guy doesn’t look back after, say, twenty seconds, then it’s a fair bet that he’s not remotely interested.
So your only option now is to buy him the a succession of the strongest drinks you know the name of, manipulate him into downing them out of misplaced gratitude, and then lead his alcohol impaired self home for the charity fuck you deserve.