You’ve just shot your cum in a guys mouth– and watched as his excited expression melts into disgust, as he swallows something that tastes like it just spurted from a zombie’s balls.
Sound familiar? Then you need to get serious about quality control when it comes to your ball juice, because the bitter memory of a bitter load won’t have anyone running back for a second helping.
Even when your cum is otherwise outstanding- a freshly-whipped white, bursting with almost magical moisturizing abilities- it’s unpalatable to even the most hungry of cum-sluts if you’re not feeding your spunk-producing glands with the right stuff.
It’s no newsflash that the foods we eat can have an immediate effect on how our bodies smell- asparagus can make pee stink like you’ve dipped your dick in a rotten egg, while a munch on garlic could scare even the horniest of Vampires off sucking your dick. So it makes sense foods effect our body fluids too: coffee, red meat, onions, broccoli- it can all intensify the natural alkalinity of our semen, ramp up the bitterness and encourage a none-too-sexy bleachy aroma.
So to avoid having your cum rejected, which is about as upsetting as finding your first gray pube, here’s some quick and easy adjustments you can make to you diet. But bear in mind, it’ll take a day or so for this stuff to filter through- so you’ll need to shoot a load or two before you get to the good stuff.
It might rot the teeth straight out of your jaw, but this juice is the undisputed king of the cum makeover. The sugar rush will sweep through your body and zero in on your prostate- to the point where men will be lapping your juices up like you’re shooting sugar syrup.
As well as excelling as a natural sweetener, masking the bitterness in your cum, it’s also got fertility perks- so if your cocksucker’s worried you’ve given him an STD because of a tickle at the back of his throat, you can put his mind at ease that it’s simply your pineapple-powered super-sperm making themselves known.
These smoothie-friendly spices will literally (forgive me) spice up your load- their strong and pleasant flavors imbibe a smoother, almost complex flavor to your cum. As I mentioned, they’re perfect accompaniments to a morning smoothie (the actual food kind), which has the added benefit of adding fruit to your diet to sweeten your load.
It’s hardly surprising that the most phallic of fruits is also one of the most cock friendly- it’s bursting with vitamins, minerals and suggestive imagery, all of which helps keep your cock working perfectly- as the fruity sweetness seeps into your daily vintage of fine cum.
It’s pretty boring, but it’s great for dipping into tastier things, and possesses a whole host of health benefits. It’s watery blandness will have your balls brimming with the right kind of spunk, and especially helps neutralize that swimming-pool smell that fresh cum can sometimes give off.
An apple a day means a blowjob from a gay. Okay, I had to try. But, you’re seeing the theme? Fruits bursting with taste and natural sugar will keep the bad-cum-mojo at bay. As well as giving you a self-satisfied strut from knowing you’re busy creating some A-grade cum-candy by eating healthily.
These are the lazy man’s answer to taming the tang. Instead of sweetening your cum from the inside out, you simply pop one of these into your preferred cock-suckers mouth ten minutes before blowjob o’clock- and they’ll mask the taste of your semen, replacing it with the whiff of a weaponized watermelon.
It’s a solution for those who want to swallow a man who’s in denial about the gruesome taste of his cum, or is just too lazy to sweeten his load. But, really, how hard is it to eat a couple of pieces of fruit a day?