Ever thought you should turn off the porn and read?

By guest blogger Amy

Admittedly, I spend a good portion of my spare time watching porn, but when I’m feeling like I want a little plot with my cock, I read and review gay romance novels. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but lately, some of the more ambitious porn directors have decided that maybe a little story behind the fucking isn’t such a bad thing.

Granted, the stories run the gamut from hokey and ridiculous to philosophical and thought-provoking. When I’m watching these scenes, I like to draw comparisons to the romantic books I’m reading and see how they stack up. Here are a few that really stood out…

Ever thought you should turn off the porn and read?

The Prison Drama
I’ve read a lot of romance novels that take place within the walls of a prison. It’s not difficult to figure out why. The sexy jumpsuits. The tattooed men who will stab you with a contraband shiv if you dare to look one in the eye. The spare yet sensuous cell, which surely doesn’t smell like urine and despair. It all makes for a perfect backdrop for falling in love.

Here, Jizz Orgyseems to be in agreement with me. Dear, sweet, twink Johnny Rapid, who may have given off mixed signals by sharing a shower stall with another prisoner while soaping up, is rescued from a gang assault by noble guard Charlie Harding. It only takes him a moment to notice Johnny has a phenomenal ass, though (and really, who can blame him?), so he calls in some of his guard pals and they go about showing him what they can do with their nightsticks.

No, that’s not a euphemism. Their literal nightsticks play a prominent role in opening up Johnny for a little prison guard DP. It makes sense now how that guy from The Shawshank Redemptionmade his big escape, if this is what the guards were doing instead of noticing the enormous hole in the wall carved out with a spoon. It seems these guards interpret their oath to serve and protect kind of loosely.

Ever thought you should turn off the porn and read?

The Hunky Doctor Romantic Lead
Why is it we get all hot and bothered by the idea of a gorgeous well-built man with a stethoscope around his neck? He never fulfils our fantasies. Mostly, he just uses a few tools in a disappointingly non-sexual way, makes you pee in a cup, and then sends you a hefty bill for that privilege. Would it kill him to remove his shirt and reveal his beautifully developed pectoral muscles?

Hothouse has a series called My Doctor Sucks,and guy does he ever. In this scene with Jimmy Durano and Jeremy Stevens, Jimmy proves you can make your way through medical school by giving blowjobs, because he most certainly knows nothing about medicine.

He starts by showing Jeremy an x-ray of his pelvis, which seems to be proof enough that the doc needs to give him a colonoscopy. I’m pretty sure you have to drink some chalky gray crap before you get an unnecessary colonoscopy, but Dr. Jimmy doesn’t seem to play by the rules.

Some warning signs for Jeremy may have been: 1) When the doc cuts off his underwear rather than having him remove them, since either he’s become a paraplegic or his ass is stapled to the doctor’s table. 2) When the doctor says, “I need to take a look inside your hole”, which I’m pretty sure is not standard procedure, then proceeds to prep it with a razor.

Of course, the doc does not realize that Jeremy is a porn star and, therefore, his hole is already shaved within an inch of its life. 3) When Dr. Jimmy takes off his clothes and sticks his dick inside the newly shaved hole. It’s all highly unprofessional and ridiculous and also really fucking hot. And doctors take note: if you have a body like Jimmy Durano, please don’t bother wearing the white coat.

Ever thought you should turn off the porn and read?

The Cowboy Orgy
Okay, I don’t read a lot of books with a cowboy orgy, but I literally cannot understand how it’s not basic operating procedure on a ranch. Have you seen a cowboy? There’s the hat and the well-developed thighs and the tight, tight jeans. And then a bunch of them all stand around and ride horses and sweat and pour water over their overly heated bodies. So I don’t really know what cowboys do, but I can’t say that I care.

It just makes sense to me that, when a group of cowboys are bailing hay, with their glistening rippling abs in the testosterone thick country air, they’d turn to each other and start getting it on.

Luckily, Falcon Studios agrees with me. When Tom Wolfe comes upon Parker Perry and Aybarstaking the edge off in the back of a pick-up, he has no choice but to join in, which includes holding Parker’s boots while Aybars pounds his ass. And he may be getting his ass eaten at the same time.

I try not to think about the sweat that accumulates in the nether regions at times like this and instead prefer to think that cowboy funk actually tastes like fresh ripe strawberries, or something equally as delicious.

Who said romance is dead? As these examples prove, it is alive and thriving in these scenes about men with dubious occupations and loose morals. Which is exactly how I like them.

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