How to enrage a Porn Mom in five easy steps

By guest blogger Amy

Within the world of gay porn exists a unique phenomenon- a very vocal, loyal group of fans comprised of mostly straight, middle-aged women. Most likely not even the women themselves can pinpoint why they find gay porn so intriguing, but these things should not be in question: the extent of their knowledge and fierce devotion to their fandom.

Because these women are difficult to ignore (Seriously, try it. They WILL NOT LET YOU!), the term Porn Moms has been thrown around on social media, and even among industry insiders. They’re also a unique group of women that cover a wide range, from fun and quirky to stark-raving mad. So here’s a list of some things to avoid if you want to stay on the good (not crazy) side of a Porn Mom.

How to enrage a Porn Mom in five easy steps

1) Try to make a move on a porn star who is already claimed.
Maybe you only recently saw a Levi Karter dance video and realized he has a body composed entirely of sin, fire, and sex. You decide to tweet your undying love and devotion and loosely developed wedding plans to the man of your dreams so he’ll be prepared to marry you on his next break from shooting gay porn. This, my dear sweet naive fan, is a mistake. There is an intricate network of porn moms who own rights to their favorite porn stars, and it is essential that you review and memorize this complicated grid of devotion.

Expressing your appreciation for your porn star’s talent is fine, but DO NOT CROSS THE LINE. Do not lose hope, though. You may be able to stake your own claim on the porn star you love if you can get in early. My advice? Call dibs before he has even done his first scene. You can always throw him back in the pool later should he not live up to your expectations.

2) Establish a no shipping zone.
I sure hope I don’t need to define shippers to you, because that means you’ve been in a coma for at least a year, and comas are no fun for anyone. If you did indeed miss this huge cultural phenomenon, I’ll explain. If you become a little nutty in the head about your desire for two people you love developing a relationship, you “ship” them. Porn Moms are expert shippers. Basically all that needs to happen is for one porn star to have a conversation with, touch or look at another porn star.

From that point, it’ll take us about seven seconds to come up with their adorable mashed-up name, which we will then #hash-tag 600 times in a day. When Levi Karter and Ricky Roman were photographed together over a weekend, #Licky was suddenly all over Twitter. It’s since been changed to #TeamTan because, well, I have no idea why.

I do know that even I’ve been known to ship a time or two (a day). When Damon Archer and Felix Warner sent out this tweet I basically had them settled down in domestic bliss, with #Dalix on the mailbox, in about 90 seconds, because HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CUTER COUPLE EVER?! Shipping completes us! Do not take this away from us or our lives will cease to have meaning.

How to enrage a Porn Mom in five easy steps

3) Write an Article, leave a comment or post a tweet that casts them in a bad light.
Trust me when I say I have learned this the hard way. Overall, Porn Moms are kind of in denial about the less than perfect nature of the porn stars they adore. Even though, in all likelihood, their favorite 19 year old porn star spends a good amount of his spare time in a pot-induced haze, it is not okay to insinuate they are doing anything less noble than serving food in a soup kitchen or helping old ladies cross the street.

It doesn’t matter how much evidence you have to the contrary, Porn Moms think their stars are perfect. It’s kinda sweet and super annoying to have to watch everything you say, unless you’re prepared to explain your actions to an overprotective Mom.

4) Cut off their Amazon wishlist access.
How many times have you asked, “Why are these guys posting their Amazon wishlists?” because “Who the hell is buying them something?” You need no longer question. The answer is the Porn Moms. Now, they’re not the only ones. There are some generous men who will purchase various forms of see-through underwear hoping they’ll receive a private show in exchange for their gift (They probably won’t.). The Porn Moms, though, will buy the things they really worry their porn star has a desperate need for but will never buy for himself.

Furniture, sheets, shoes, clothes, jewellery… all of those things play on the heartstrings of the nurturing Porn Mom. I’ll admit, I’m a huge sucker for books. If a porn star I love has a book listed, I’m compelled to buy it for him. Luckily, porn stars aren’t usually big readers, so I don’t run into this problem often. (And now begin the comments in defence of the literate porn star- see #3.)

5) Call them Porn Moms
Maybe this is just me, but how much do I HATE this term? Either we’re moms who like porn, which seems highly inappropriate, or we’re porn fans who act like moms, which, whether it’s true or not, makes it kind of Oedipaland really gross. How about we just leave the “Mom” part out of it all together? J.P. DuBois of UK HotJocks calls us “LOGP“, or Ladies of Gay Porn. I’m thinking maybe something a little catchier.

Maybe WWWW (Women Who Worship Weiner), which we’d call “W to the Power of 4”, since we’re basically as bad-ass as middle-aged women can possibly be. No? Something simple, then. DIM! (Dick is Magnificent!) DIM… Hmm… that doesn’t sound right. I’m just brain-storming here. Feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments, right after you tell me how your favorite porn star is a bibliophile who knits blankets for orphans in his spare time.

6 responses to “How to enrage a Porn Mom in five easy steps”

  1. Craig says:

    I loved this Amy, I laughed my ass off #4, because I can so see you buying books for your favorite star.

  2. kittys_devil says:

    Just loved this!! Great article Amy 🙂 Made me laugh, you got us right on!!!

  3. Lisa says:

    Really great article!! Made me laugh out loud many times (when I needed it). It's all true! Keep working on that name Amy and keep us posted. I'm sure we'll let you know what we think!!

  4. Zoodlemouse13 says:

    Accurate!!

    #3 It seems like you're saying he's NOT perfect? HOW DARE YOU

    😀

    But seriously….excellent article & I loved it!

  5. Bella says:

    Wonderful and SPOT ON! Loved it!

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