5 things to do with cum when you’re done jerking off

It’s a sticky situation- what should we do with the rapidly cooling cum splashed across our abs / beer-bellies / keyboards / pets when we’re done jerking off?

It’s the problem we’ve struggled with ever since discovering the toe-curling thrill of the five knuckle shuffle. The blissful high leaves us with ropes (and ropes and ropes, if you’re anything like these guys) of fresh, seems-such-a-shame-to-waste-it spunk.

Here’s the five first ideas that popped into my head for what to do with a cum load that doesn’t have a cocksuckers mouth to call home…

Freeze it

Make some ice cubes that’ll impress your hipster friends

Or scoop it up, pop it in a pot and preserve your sperm- because, come tomorrow morning, you might be the last man alive on earth. And there’s an army of women pounding at your door, demanding your juices.

5 things to do with cum when you’re done jerking off

You’ll need a stockpile to please the baby-crazies, and I’m guessing the thought of dumping a load in a pussy makes your dick shrivel quicker than a Norwegian skinny dip (the fact you’re on a gay porn blog is a hint), so placing a discreet load in the freezer seems like the smartest more right now, right? RIGHT?!

And in the unlikely event all that bullshit doesn’t happen, just put your fro-spo on Craigslistand sell it to some weirdo in New Jersey.

(AKA the obvious one) Use it for lube to jerk off again… and again

Mostly for the youthful (and sufficiently medicated) among us

If you’ve just busted your nut and the mood still hasn’t departed, keep up a slow stroking, using your cum as the lube. After a few minutes, it’ll be the perfect consistency to get your glans tingling like it’s been dipped in the holy spirit, and you’ll be headed for that fabled multi-orgasmic mind state.

And then BOOM you’ve cum again… Well, that’s just another helping of lube. Wring & repeat until your dick’s too sore to exist.

Spurt it into a frenemies mayonnaise

This all hinges on your relationship with your friend/lover/frenemie.

If you have the irrepressible urge to bang your friend/roommate/enemy, but it’s as likely as Shilou taking a sabbatical from dick sucking, what’s wrong with slipping a little of your spunk into their mayonnaise for them to unwittingly savor?

5 things to do with cum when you’re done jerking off

Yes, it’s more twisted than a power-bottom’s sphincter, but it’s the closest you’ll get to swapping body fluids… And maybe, just maybe he’ll get a taste for it and come sniffing for the source.

Alternatively, what better outlet for passive-aggressive revenge than to spike his shampoo with your ball-sap, and have him massage it into his scalp every day? Oh, the humiliation he’ll (hopefully) never know about!

Whisk it into the lightest of desserts

5 things to do with cum when you’re done jerking off

It’s true, you can cook with semen. Apparently (yeah, like I don’t know from countless taste tests) it’s got the perfect texture for baking, frying, sautéing… If there’s a pot built for cooking it, cum is perfect for being in it.

But you’ll have to be an adventurous chef, perfectly willing to try out new tastes and sensations. If you can cast your doubts and gag reflex aside, you can discover if the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach- or through feeding him his own pan-fried cum.

For the curious there’s a whole cookbook of recipes available from Amazon.

Donate it to the cum hungry

This one needs foreplanning, but like all charity work, it’ll leave your heart fulfilled. And someone else filled. Literally.

So, invite a random man over (again, Craigslist has a great selection) and explain the situation gently but firmly- that you’re going to jerk off into his mouth because you have no desire to waste your precious spunk, and that he should simply kneel and swallow at the alter of your cock.

Once you’re done, kick him out and bask in that warm glow of having given human contact to a sad, lonely cocksucker.

See, giving back feel great, right?!

10 responses to “5 things to do with cum when you’re done jerking off”

  1. Trwwit7 says:

    I would love to have a huge cock being stuck in my ass for the first time I’m ready to try it if I can I’d love to show y’all of y’all my hard dick

  2. TheAutumnEffect says:

    This is a fantastic article, I didn’t even know you can cook with your own sperm. I guess South Park was right with the whole boogers and cum gag!

  3. kikifriday says:

    Ball sap, lol

  4. Fucking cunt back says:

    What does cum taste like never tried it

  5. cumsucker says:

    how about just swoop it up and eat it urself it taste great

  6. bartboy61 says:

    i’ve already done more than one of these in the past– best to keep which a mystery…

  7. PussyEater5000 says:


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