Porn-inspired flavored vodka they SHOULD be making…

Vodka. It’s my tipple of choice, the best wingman I could ever need when I want to get laid and the only friend who’s never left me. But recently I’ve noticed that every bar I go to is suffering it’s liquor shelves bowing under the weight of yet another novelty-flavour-infused-vodka.

After gamely trying a few of the more preposterous varieties, I can’t help but think these flavours were brought about by a blind-reliance on mismanaged focus groups; namely a bunch of free loaders who simply turned up to get drunk on the free wine. If their slurred ramblings got to market then I might just get my ideas brought to life- here’s three real flavours I tried, rejected & improved upon:

Porn-inspired flavored vodka they SHOULD be making…

Absolut Pears– Tastes like a dead man just spunked on my tongue.
My solution:
Absolut Ass– Inspired by JD Pheonix’s world-famous buns, this vodka has been filtered through rubber five times and suffused by delicate gold-flakes that you won’t taste, but at the back of your mind you’ll know they’re there.

Smirnoff Marshmallow– A ploddingly obvious, predictably saccharin sweet concoction that shares the soul of mechanically recovered meat.
My solution:
Smirnoff Whore– A medley of flavours you can’t quite put your finger on. This liquor has been around the block and absorbed a few experiences along the way. Proud of a taste that straddles adventure & danger, one in every ten bottles will give you a urinary tract infection.

Stolli Honey– These bees obviously fed off flowers from a serial killers back garden to produce something this foul.
My solution:
Stolli Cummy– As white as a bedspread at a budget hotel & as thick as the hollandaise sauce they spread across your breakfast eggs. Best served warm, this fragrant shot seems like a good idea at the time, but you’re soon regretting it as the buzz wears off and you’re left with it’s unmistakable tang coating the back of your throat.

3 responses to “Porn-inspired flavored vodka they SHOULD be making…”

  1. Geisha says:

    I drank all you can name. No wine, no rum, no vodka, etc gave me the satisfaction that beer, Coca-Cola and Cool-aid gave me. Yes, I'm cheap.

  2. Brooklynfuckstud says:

    How about Vodka Cock? Guaranteed to make you gag

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Related videos: