What to do when your favourite gay porn star…

We tend to care deeply (as deep as my fleshjack, anyway) about our favourite gay porn star. That’s why it’s upsetting when he rocks the boat and..

Finds religion.

You can go a few ways with this one. You can support and respect his decision to convert to Christianity/Catholicism/insert applicable fairytale. Conversely, if you’re of the view that porn is his one true calling and that his bubble butt is so resembling of a ripe, forbidden apple that only Satan could have had a hand in it’s creation, then you’ve got some work to do to sabotage this tedious rebirth.

For the nefarious / rich of coin

We all know that there are very few problems that money can’t solve- basically you need to start buying this guys back-catalogue in bulk, thereby encouraging a flood of porn producers to surround him,  siege-of-Troy-style, with offers of ridiculous sums of money to film just one more scene- for the fans.

If organised religion has taught me one thing, it’s that if you throw enough money at a devout man he can find somewhere to hide his halo for the day.

For the passive aggressive

You can fight fire with fight and simply pray for his return to the loving embrace of hardcore porn. After all, God helps those who help themselves, ergo if he helps himself to another seven inches of Austin Wilde God will help him… conquer his gag reflex? He does works in mysterious ways.

What to do when your favourite gay porn star…

Decides he’s not an exclusive top/bottom anymore, thereby selfishly ruining your fantasies.

As loathe as I am to admit it, because I enjoy Rachel Maddowand consider myself a militant liberal, I get off on defined sexual roles.

In my fantasies I want the top to be A TOP; aggressive and demanding and utterly over-reacting if even a summer breeze brushes his hole. The bottom is to be submissive and accommodating, willing to ride that hard cock even as he’s moaning about how much it hurts to take daddy’s thickness…

Ahem.

This preference permeates my porn collection like lube does my sofa cushions. So it irks, even pains me, when one of my cherished power-tops unexpectedly flops onto his back and waves his legs in the air like an overturned turtle, simply because he’s had enough dollars waved in his face. If he’s willing to take it up the crapper then he’s not the exclusive, passionate top I thought he was- he’s betrayed me!

So what can you do about this?

Well, you can refuse to watch the scenes in which he assassinates your fantasies, but this can prove unsatisfying if he develops a knack for his new-found role or decides he’s a flip-flopper- you’re going to be missing out a lot of action. Another option is to pretend it’s not him- it’s his identical twin! Or a meat puppet cloned in the Seancody lab that looks exactly like him but is really being controlled off-screen by an intern with an iPhone app.

The last option is the most poignant; you simply have to move on. But before you’re gripped with despair, realise this- the porn industry forever acknowledges your loss and will always be there with a new stud to fill the hole.

Comes out as straight.

This is tricky and depends on how you feel about gay-for-pay performers.

Personally I’m on the fence. If it means I get to watch beautiful men like Christian Wilde and Johnny Rapid fuck around with guys, sometimes in a moving van , and they manage to actually stay hard and fool us into thinking they’re enjoying themselves, then it doesn’t bother me too much. It is a fantasy and we are watching it for visual stimulation, so why bother thinking beyond the tanned muscles and foot long cocks?

Of course, it’s obvious we’re being taken advantage of. Straight men are making money off of gullible gays who know no better than what they’re told about the performers on-screen. I know I felt a stab of this ugly sensation when I visited a gay strip joint in Montreal and was informed that the majority of the dancers were straight.

I suddenly felt like an idiot for paying one to give me a lap dance, especially as it got me painfully hard. But arguably straight women have been doing the same for thousands of years- manipulating men by appealing to their sex drives- so can we really blame straight men for doing the same to earn a buck?

Retires

He’s obviously had enough. Send him some supportive messages on Twitter (if he hasn’t already had a fit and deleted his account) to let him know his fans won’t disappear down the plughole like the dried cum he showers off after his last ever scene. We all need to move on from time to time, and you shouldn’t hold it against him for wanting to do the same.

Of course, you should still quietly bookmark Rentboy.com– if his new ventures don’t work out you might get to feel his ball-sack slapping against your chin sooner than you think. Yes, it’s cruel, but it’s capitalism kids.

Decides he’s a singer

Don’t encourage it. Don’t buy it. Don’t praise it. Don’t acknowledge it. Between boorish reality TV and every drag queen who ever picked up a mike there’s enough awful music out there to soundtrack every BelAmi sceneever made. Twice. We don’t need to add another digital download to that horrifying statistic.

4 responses to “What to do when your favourite gay porn star…”

  1. Nick says:

    I'm a firm believer in that there's always an exception to the rule. But honestly that song came on in the bar I was in on Friday night and the video was the only part that rocked my world.

  2. Porn Stars who sing says:

    Actually, Johnny Hazzard did a pretty good job with Deeper Into You. I've done a couple of remixes that get the boys jumping out on the dance floor.

  3. Amy says:

    Eww. You need to get your couch cleaned. This is brilliant, Nick. As with all great essayists, you were both entertaining and informative.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Related videos: